I Wish I Could Have Breastfed, But It Wasn’t ‘Best’ For Us

It’s a Tuesday afternoon. My son is asleep in his crib upstairs. I check the camera and see his legs curled up, his head turned to the side, and his arms curved under his body. His back makes that comforting, rhythmic up and down movement. He has always preferred sleeping on his tummy, but I worry less now that he’s older.

I remember when he was an eight-pound newborn in my arms, back before the independence and tantrums and potty training. He is healthy and beautiful, but sometimes I still think, I wish I could have breastfed him. Today, it catches me by surprise because it doesn’t seem to matter much now.

Before my son was born, I read in a classic breastfeeding book, “Breastfeeding is far more than just a way to feed your baby. It’s the way you’re naturally designed to begin your mothering experience…breastfeeding is right for you. And it’s definitely right for your baby.”

Well, best is best I thought. But then it happened. My milk supply took over a week to come in, and when it did, I didn’t produce much. My baby’s latch was shallow and tight, causing a lot of pain and damage to my nipples. After an IBCLC referred us to a specialist, my baby had two minor procedures to have both a tongue tie and a lip tie released. After that, he was diagnosed with moderate to severe gastroesophageal reflux, which caused him to need thickened breast milk and medication. His weight dropped for weeks until we finally began to supplement with formula.

I was one of the lucky ones who found a lot of support. The hospital where I delivered offered a free breastfeeding clinic where we became regular visitors. I texted mom friends day and night and called the national breastfeeding hotline in the wee morning hours.

I found a blog sharing how to “make your breasts a happy place” and many more that offered solutions for increasing milk supply, treating acid reflux in babies, and overcoming bad latching and breast refusal.

I pushed through milk blebs, mastitis, and around-the-clock pumping while I tried to make the breast a nourishing and comforting place for my baby. So it broke me when breastfeeding was painful and complicated rather than beautiful and natural.

We both struggled and cried through feedings, but there was one day in particular when my son was especially frantic and upset. I had an overwhelming motherly instinct that I should give up on breastfeeding that day. But nothing could have prepared me for such a disappointment. I pumped exclusively for a while after that, giving him the little breast milk I could produce. At some point, I sensed that it was time to move on from that too.

I thought breastfeeding was a right we have as mothers. I never expected to fight so hard for something that was supposed to be natural. I never expected for breastfeeding to not work out. And in a culture where it is so revered, it was near impossible to not feel like I had failed at part of my mothering experience.

How was it that no one had told me? Surely there should have been some cautionary tales about how challenging and difficult breastfeeding can be. Surely someone should have mentioned as I suffered through it that some moms have insufficient glandular tissue or low prolactin levels or insulin resistance that cause low milk supply. Instead I felt like I was failing at something I could not control.

But as my son has grown - and as I have too - I’ve learned that best doesn’t look the same for every mom. There is too much pressure to breastfeed, and we need more attention on mom’s health and well-being. For my friend who didn’t produce much milk and needed to stop breastfeeding. For my friend who spiraled into postpartum depression and needed to stop breastfeeding. For my friend who needed to exclusively pump and my friend who needed to start with formula right of the bat.

I’m grateful for all the ways we can feed our babies. Breastfeeding, exclusive pumping, donor milk, formula. Mom, dad, grandma, big sister, big brother. Not one of them is less significant. What’s best in any situation is a healthy mama and a healthy baby.

As I look back on this experience with my first baby, I see a mother who has been shaped and strengthened for the better. Who is gaining perspective and learning what truly matters. I will not always do or be the things I expected in motherhood, and the choices will be harder than I could have known. But as long as I’m doing my loving best, I will be exactly the mother my babies need. And that is my gold standard.