How To Talk To A Mom Who Can't Breastfeed

share this post

i’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - maya angelou

our breastfeeding story

My tears fell on his sandy blonde hair as he turned away. Back arched, mouth agape, eyes glistening wet, he’d had enough. And so had I. It felt personal that my baby wouldn’t breastfeed even though I knew it wasn’t.

At his 2-month check-up, our pediatrician said, “You gave it a valiant effort. I don’t want you to think this is your fault. But it’s probably best to move on.” Sacking his advice, I kept trying for another 6 weeks. I was determined to feed my baby the healthiest way I knew possible.

The year I gave birth, 9 other friends had babies. I was the only one in my circle who couldn’t breastfeed. Granted, they experienced challenges and a few weeks of discomfort and pain, but with some persistence, they were able to breastfeed successfully. I share our story here, but to summarize, we had a perfect storm of barriers to breastfeeding - poor latch and breast refusal, moderate to severe GER (bad acid reflux), and chronic low milk supply.

When my son was 3.5 months old, I began exclusively pumping and produced about 10-14oz a day. By 6 months, it felt unsustainable to continue pumping. I cried tears of loss, guilt, and failure the day I packed up the pump and all its parts, still so surprised that this “natural” thing did not feel natural at all. As a mom, I hated that there was something I couldn’t do for my baby.

I grieved privately, assuming other breastfeeding moms would think I hadn’t tried hard enough or that I should “just move on” to formula. And I didn’t want moms who choose not to breastfeed to think I was judging their choice because of how important it was to me. As it turns out, most moms are empathetic and supportive, even if they don’t know exactly what to say.

6 tips For Talking To A Mom Who Can’t Breastfeed

In a recent article, breastfeeding was named the greatest public health policy of all time. The campaign to support breastfeeding moms continues to be influential on our motherhood from before we give birth until the ever-changing age of when breastfeeding should end. For some moms, however, breastfeeding is truly challenging and requires supplementing with formula, an at-breast supplementer, or exclusive pumping. For others, it is not possible due to a medical issue which may either prevent them from producing enough milk or require medication that cannot be passed through breast milk. In any case, what’s worse for a mom in one of these situations is to feel isolated and unsupported because she thinks that she is giving her child less than “best.”

Recently, a dear mom friend, who breastfed both of her babies for over a year, asked for ideas about how to talk to a mom who can’t breastfeed. Here’s what came to mind:

1. Don’t avoid the subject.

   In an effort to spare feelings, some moms avoid mentioning it altogether. But allowing open and safe space to process it can make your mom friend feel seen, understood, and less alone. You can also talk about how tough breastfeeding is even when you can do it. For moms who can’t breastfeed, we often romanticize it and forget that it is still a serious commitment that wears on your body. If you talk about your experience, she’ll know that talking about her experience is on the table as well.

2. Don’t assume she gave up too soon.

   Maybe it was relatively easy for you. Or maybe it was actually really painful, but you pushed through and are now doing great with breastfeeding. Some moms persist through a painful season and still find they can’t get their baby to latch well, don’t produce enough milk, or stop breastfeeding because they need extra postpartum support. It’s not necessarily a matter of perseverance, and the most positive thing we can do for a new mom is not to assume that her willpower is the issue.

3. Acknowledge that what she went through was hard.

   Breastfeeding can be a trial season for many moms, but imagine that after persisting through those first few weeks or months, you and your baby didn’t get the hang of it. At 4, 8, or even 14 weeks, it still feels like that first night in the hospital. She may already be dealing with self-blame, wondering where she went wrong or if there was anything else she could have tried. Or she may feel guilty that she chose to take her Postpartum Depression medication or autoimmune injections over breastfeeding her baby. It was probably a harder choice than most people know.

4. Be understanding about what she decides is best.

   All postpartum experiences differ depending on factors like physical and mental recovery, baby’s health, support systems, maternity leave, and current life circumstances. If she thought they should move on from breastfeeding, she was probably right. What’s most important for her baby is a happy, healthy mom, even if not a breastfeeding one.

5. however she has chosen to feed her baby, be supportive.

   From experience, I can say that one of the most difficult parts of not being able to breastfeed is determining the next best option for your baby. In the overwhelm, it was so helpful when other moms offered encouragement and resources. There are healthy alternatives to breastfeeding and each mom should determine which is the best fit in her situation - whether it’s donor milk, exclusive pumping, commercial formula, or homemade formula. The last one is scary to some moms, but there are safe and healthy homemade formula options that don’t use raw milk. Sometimes this kind of formula is particularly helpful for babies with reflux, allergies, or digestive sensitivities.

6. remind her that she is the right mom for her baby.

   Whatever challenges we faced with breastfeeding, my baby was entrusted to me and my husband - and no one could love him more or be more focused on his health than us. There’s a story called the Runaway Dinosaur that illustrates this point perfectly. Following questions from her son, a mama dinosaur tells her little Maiasaur, “What makes you special is that out of all the different dinosaurs in the big, wide world, you have the mother who is just right for you, and who will always love you.” At the end of the day, whether a mom feeds her baby breast milk, donor milk, or formula, her love is the real gold standard.